Darkness Awakens, Light Guides
Michael Ebbinghaus • April 22, 2022
Nothing Draws our Attention Like Intense Suffering
Many of us have tread long on a path of self-improvement. Our explorations have taken us through many modalities: books, YouTube videos, lectures, therapists, energy healers, psychedelic medicines, group work, nature immersion, and travel to distant, spiritual lands. Yet after all the experiences, knowledge accrued, patterns recognized and reworked, sensations felt, trauma somatically expressed and integrated, there remains a gnawing gap between where we are and where we would like to be.
Making Suffering Real
The answer to this issue is simple, but it is among the most difficult things for our mind to grasp. In fact, it really can’t grasp it at all. It requires a leap of faith, a knowing beyond knowing.
Ultimately we suffer because we experience everything, including ourselves, as real.
What do you mean, Michael, you crazy hash-smoking hippie wannabe wizard?
I’m
sitting here reading this.
I’ve
had breakthroughs with
my
therapist,
I’ve
resolved my relationship with
my
father, and
I’m
still suffering.
My
suffering is real. I’m real!
I know! I’ve been there, and I am there. I’m nowhere close to solidifying an awakened or enlightened state. God knows if I ever will. When I suffer, it feels so real. When my eyes look deeply in love to my partner, she and I and the whole Universe seem so real. However, all of those healing modalities mentioned earlier, the relentless search for my whole self, which has never been anywhere but right here, has given me the strength and resources to undertake the fundamental teaching: namely that I (and everything and everyone) am God incarnate; that we create our reality as we are, but ultimately what we see and feel and perceive is an illusion!
The only thing that is real in any real sense is awareness, that which is present in deep, dreamless sleep.
Balancing Our Practice
Though this is simple, it is by no means easy. It is easier to sleep and fall unconscious, which is why we do it day after day, moment-to-moment, and every single night. The untrained mind is much like an untrained dog, darting to and fro, barking at everything as though it’s a threat, even the shadows.
With unfocused attention, the dream takes an even greater hold on our reality. It takes a commitment to practice on and off the cushion and to explore different forms of meditation, where we train our concentration, paint pictures with our mind, in addition to the very popular form of vipassana or mindfulness. We do not train our bodies by engaging in only one exercise. When we engage in a multitude of modalities: weight training, yoga, calisthenics, swimming, running, etc., the different practices reinforce and strengthen each other far more than single-minded dedication to one practice could.
In any practice, the beginning is frustrating and difficult. It upsets the picture we like to hold of ourselves. This was particularly true for my meditation practice. Due to my identification with my intellect, I did not want to admit that my attention was fractured and divergent. I chose to remain ignorant throughout every meditation session, constructing a mirage that suited my fancy. It was only when I was willing to own my predicament and my current level of development does any lasting change come about. As so often happens, it took a great deal of dismay and dissatisfaction to be able to wake up to where I was in my spiritual development and what it would take to progress. It generally takes a peak experience or, in this case, an anti-peak experience to awaken us from our hollow dream.
"If experience of a higher state of consciousness were all that it took, the world would look much different."
I’ll use a more concrete example to solidify this. When I was fifteen, I stood 5’10” and weighed 230 lbs. I had very little athletic ability and recognized this. Had I perceived myself to be either fit or strong, I would have been defeated continuously every time I went to the gym. I may never have set foot there for fear it would undo my illusion, but because I was willing to accept where I was, each repetition brought me closer to where I wanted to be rather than dismissed the illusion I was already there, and it gave me the felt sense that I was moving forward.
The mind is more difficult to observe than our physical conditioning. For every observable artifact there are several dozen elements happening unconsciously. Because I lived in an illusion of attentiveness, I neglected one of the fundamental stories upon which my self-concept (or ego) is based, a condition of unworthiness striving relentlessly and painfully towards redemption along with a masochistic delight in being a pity-sponge, a self-identity as a “tormented soul.” I figured that by the age of 42 I would have had enough evidence to show that I was never going to be good enough, never going to “make it,” at which point I would feel justified in taking my own life. It’s no coincidence that David Foster Wallace, an author I greatly admire, took his life around this age. This is the reality-manifesting power of the mind. If I do not wake up, I will continue to live in such a way as to unconsciously reinforce this narrative, driving away people that believe in and love me, sabotaging every opportunity to make valuable contributions to my community and the world.
The Power of Anti-Peak Experiences
The miasmic black hole that engulfed me several weeks ago was a gift from soul. No amount of sunshine, exercise, positive mantras, or prayer could help me because I unconsciously spend hours every day defiling my worth and moving towards a disastrous future. This inescapable pit of despair sucked me in, I collapsed, and my personality disintegrated. After all the progress I had made, everything I had learned, I felt like I was back behind square zero. My ego had finally been humbled to the point where the most important thing was paying attention. I had no choice but to bear constant witness to my experience lest I unconsciously feed this dark, ravenous maw, a groove of mind entrenched and chasmic. Peak experiences are great, but it's the anti-peaks that show us where our blindspots are.
"After all the progress I had made, everything I had learned, I felt like I was back behind square zero."
We have to be defeated to the image of who we are to be able to move towards a figure of our own creation.
Once we acknowledge our divine power to create our reality, we become unstoppable, but the fact of the matter is that we already are. Whatever the narrative is playing in our head, consciously (or more importantly, unconsciously), it is being reinforced by our interactions with the world. This is not to denigrate peak experiences of awakening, whether they be through physical exertion, sex, or psychedelic experience. But if experience of a higher state of consciousness were all that it took, the world would look much different. These experiences offer a glimpse of what is possible, but there are many years of unconscious and insidious creation to undo, and the state accessed through our ecstasy must be solidified through practice.
This is the vital task of integration post-peak experience, in this case anti-peak experiences, a restructuring of the daily mode of life to engrain the structures that the state sought to teach us. If we awaken to our roles as creators, we also awaken to the responsibility to use that power to better our own lives and those of others.
This anti-peak experience, pictured below, lit a fire within me. I began searching, researching like a possessed monk. Where do I go? I had come across a book on the Tibetan practice of dream yoga, and felt pulled towards this practice. I immediately downloaded two books on the subject by Andrew Holacek, Dream Yoga and Dreams of Light. I will explain this practice further later on, but suffice it to say that the practice of dream yoga is meant to help us realize that we dream ourselves into reality, and that the more we can awaken in our dreams, the more that we can awaken in life. I’ll speak more about this intensive and transformative practice in the following article.
The Sentient Soul
Explore how propaganda, consumerism, and lost perennial wisdom shape our world—and why awakening collective consciousness is urgent today.
What is Ketamine-Assisted Psychotherapy? Ketamine-assisted psychotherapy (KAP) is a modality that uses low dose ketamine alongside talk therapy to access non-ordinary states of consciousness, helping clients process trauma, depression, and anxiety in a new and deeper way. One of the most common complaints about traditional psychotherapy is that it can take a very long time for unconscious material to surface, even after a solid relationship has formed with your therapist. While there are techniques we utilize in our practice that do not require substances (e.g. dreamwork, sentence completion, automatic writing/drawing, etc.), the introduction of intentional medicine work can reliably shift one into an altered state of consciousness, catalyzing access to unconscious material. After a brief introductory period, you will take ketamine under supervision from your therapist either in-office or virtually in the comfort of your own home. The therapist will guide you to take your own journey as well as direct you towards areas that might benefit from exploration in an alternate perspective. Learn more What is Ketamine? Ketamine is a dissociative anesthetic acting primarily on the glutamate neurotransmitter system. This differentiates it from the traditional psychedelics like LSD and psychedelic mushrooms which are much more prominent in the serotonin system. Ketamine increases neural plasticity, meaning that the brain becomes more flexible to change, open to new insights and behaviors. Ketamine has been used for over 50 years as a surgical anesthetic. It has no impact on the respiratory system, making it one of the most safe and effective medicines available. It is classified as a WHO top 10 essential medicine, and it is so safe that it is still the anesthetic of choice for children. It is a schedule III medication approved for off-label use in assisted psychotherapy, meaning a healthcare professional must be supervising in some capacity. Screening is essential, see below for more information. How KAP Works One of the things we like to stress is that the medicine is taking you to a place within yourself. It is not the ketamine "doing" anything other than relaxing your emotional defenses and allowing for exploration of consciousness. That said, you will feel a degree of relaxation in your body as well as your mind, which allows things which we keep buried to come up to the surface. By shifting into an alternate state of consciousness, we are able to sublimate many of the barriers we have in place that remain opaque to us. Oftentimes simply allowing this material to surface creates greater harmony, and you ma find yourself saying "Oh - this is what I've been afraid of for so long? It's not so big and scary after all." This is not always the case, of course. The nature of what is hidden can also be very painful, which is why the presence of the therapist as well as the therapeutic relationship is imperative when first working with alternate states of consciousness and healing trauma. What Does KAP Treat? Ketamine's claim to fame comes from its potent and immediate anti-depressive effect . While this requires lifestyle change and further exploration - greatly benefitted by depth psychotherapy - this can be incredibly helpful to those experiencing treatment resistant depression. It does this primarily through breaking up rigid neural networks (enhanced neuroplasticity), limiting one's ability to ruminate. Ketamine for depression can be powerful, indeed. In a meta-analysis of over 2,500 patients, it was found that 45% of people had significant drops in clinical depressions inventories, with 30% in remission. The benefits were often sustained at 6-month follow up. Ketamine-assisted therapy can be helpful for those who experience post-traumatic stress disorder or PTSD . The clinical evidence here is quite strong, with multiple meta-analyses and an open label study showing durable and significant reductions in PTSD symptoms in as many as 69% of respondents and up to six-months' follow up. Ketamine for trauma is widely studied and efficacious. Anxiety is also significantly reduced after brief KAP treatments. In a glimpse, ketamine can treat: Treatment-resistant depression PTSD and trauma-related symptoms Anxiety and existential distress Addiction and maladaptive coping Spiritual exploration or life transitions What Does Treatment Look Like At Ebb & Flow Depth Psychotherapy, we believe in the importance of a strong therapeutic relationship to help sustain the positive effects from ketamine treatment. To this end, prior to any medicine session, there are 6-8 preparation sessions (this can be reduced to 2-4 if you are already working with another therapist). From there, we will conduct two initial dosing sessions with an integration session in between each. We would then conduct another 6-8 dosing sessions, also with an integration session in between each. Our Approach During each session, you will be gently guided into your body utilizing a simple meditation or, if preferred, ambient music. We utilize sublingual lozenges, tablets which will be dissolved and swished in the mouth for 10-12 minutes, then spit out. This offers a psycholytic approach rather than a psychedelic approach. We prefer the psycholytic approach for two main reasons: 1) This helps to make ketamine-assisted psychotherapy more affordable, as the presence of a medical professional such as an RN is not needed as they are in IM (intramuscular) or IV (intravenous) injections. 2) Psychedelic ketamine therapy can be effective, but in our hustle and bustle world, the subtle work often gets overlooked, and it is the subtle work that carries us the farthest. If you’re seeking a full psychedelic experience, I often recommend doing so on your own time and terms, ideally in nature or a supportive setting. There are few practitioners I would trust to guide me through such an experience, and they come at an extraordinary financial cost more often than not. With psycholytic ketamine therapy, we are nudging gently and entering into an altered state but not breaking open the doors of reality. Through the experience and through the journey you've taken thus far, which includes your triumphs and your traumas, we will expand not only on who you are but who you are meant to be. Your exuberant and mature presence is sorely needed in this world, and it requires reconciliation of our darker nature and highest aspirations. Who is KAP for? Ask yourself now: "Am I in a place where I am ready for deep self-exploration?" "Am I open to the idea of letting go of things which both pain and comfort me?" "Can I remain off of substances and away from process addictions (such as pornography, over-eating/bingeing and purging, sex, etc.) for at least three days?" You may not be ready for KAP if: Are experiencing active psychosis or mania Have untreated Bipolar I or II disorder Have a personal or family history of schizophrenia Are currently struggling with active substance dependence If you are in a grounded place and ready to make shifts in your life, KAP may offer the support you've been looking for. Ketamine Therapy In Austin, TX - How to Get Started Contact me today for your free consultation to see if ketamine assisted depth psychotherapy might be right for you. Myself and the fine clinicians over at Journey Clinical are ready to help you find deeper meaning in life and be the change in the world you wish to see. We conduct ketamine-assisted therapy in Austin, Texas as well as virtually all over the state. Reach out to us today!
